A phone call that turned my world upside down.
On the morning of Saturday, the 6th of October, my best friend’s husband called me with the tragic news that my friend Lydeke had passed away. She did not want to live anymore, and I still cannot believe it. The distance between us had grown because we were living in different countries, but we always had a good time when we were video-calling, and we talked about everything. Never did she mention she had thoughts of not wanting to live anymore. I just wish she had called me.
Three days before the sad news, I was brainstorming a possible exhibition at Helix Art Space with Daniel Daboczy. We discussed a performance where I would paint live for an audience to help break my fears of showing my art and my process to the world and to step out of my comfort zone. I was excited and scared at the same time, but I had to sleep on it.
Fast forward to Saturday, the 6th of October, I decided to honor my best friend, who had always supported me and encouraged me to be brave. I said to Daniel, “Let’s do the performance evening. I want to be brave, and it is ok to be scared about it, but I feel like I have to do it.” I was going to challenge not only myself but also the stigma around talking about mental health and how we are actually feeling.
The performance “Uncomfortably Human” was created.
UNCOMFORTABLY HUMAN IS A PERFORMANCE EXPLORING COURAGE, VULNERABILITY, AND THE DISCOMFORT WE OFTEN AVOID. ALIGNED WITH WORLD MENTAL HEALTH DAY, THE PERFORMANCE UNDERSCORES THE IMPORTANCE OF FACING INTERNAL STRUGGLES AND DEMONSTRATES HOW SHARED VULNERABILITY CAN FOSTER EMPATHY, HEALING, AND COLLECTIVE HOPE.
Leading up to the event, I had a mix of emotions. Dealing with grief, acceptance, and going to the funeral in the Netherlands. At the same time, I wanted to stay strong while preparing for my performance. A part of me wanted to prepare in detail for what could go wrong; I had all the what-ifs written on paper and bought every kind of acrylic marker to test.
The moment of realization came when I dove into my core beliefs during a moment of reflection on what I was doing.
What if I stop being so hard on myself and stop criticizing what I do? I paint to escape control and let go of what I think I have to be and do. I didn’t need to be scared of failure; creating is never a failure when you do it your way, because you own it. I felt a creative force that I hadn’t felt in a while. I felt like myself: totally free and doing what I love the most. Trying new things and exploring the possibilities of my art. That is what I wanted to share with my audience during the performance. The fear of having no one show up, or of collecting only 1 kr for Suicide Zero, was out of my control. I just had to let it be.
Looking back, it has been more than a week since my performance. Around 40 people came to the event, and that felt like a success. The collaboration with Daniel and his team was a lot of fun, and creating the event together has been very inspiring to me. It gave me a lot of strength and energy during this rough period of my life.
There are not many things I would have done differently, but even though I absolutely loved painting on a very big canvas, it was not the best choice because it’s not the go-to size of art to have at home. The bidding went very slowly, but I’m happy I was able to raise more than my fear of 1 kr.
I could not have been more proud, and I know Lydeke was watching me shine when it became sunny after a whole day of rain during my performance. Below, you can read my words to her, presented at the funeral as part of my healing process.
I’m going to be honest with you, today sucks. I miss her a lot, and I wish I could tell her how much fun the performance was and how much she meant to me.
If you read this and you feel sad or lost, don’t be afraid to reach out to someone close to you. They care more about you than you might believe at the moment. My inbox is also open: jol@johannaolivia.com
Here is the link to the event at Helix Art Space. Read more.
The final artwork
Lydeke I remember...
How you took me under your wing on my first day at school and made sure I didn’t miss any information because of my poor Dutch.
How quickly we became friends by talking about design, shoes and food.
How you could make my day better with your cheerfulness.
How you inspired me to work more precisely, even though the chaotic me didn’t always think it was necessary.
How we challenged each other with crazy ideas, like the time we stole two large cable reels from the building next to school. Because it seemed like a good idea to take them to the photo studio for a school assignment.
How we shared a snack every Friday after school and chatted about everything and anything.
How we toasted the day with a cup of coffee every morning during graduation and how you always had Snickers and Mars ice cream in the freezer because I loved them.
How you always made me feel welcome at your home.
How you always showed your love and care by cooking for me and others.
How proud I am of our lupine project during graduation and that I was able to share that with you.
How much fun it was to have you visit me in Sweden.
Lydeke, I am so happy for all the memories I have with you, I will miss you terribly.
